Price of love Page 10

  'A good idea,' Jason was saying. 'I've a lucky foiling in my bones tonight.' He smiled at Paula. ' Don?t you feel it?'

  She shook her head, stopping quickly as the throbbing increased. 'I think I'll make an early night of it.'

  The pleasure died out of his face. ' Do you feel that bad?'

  he asked softly.

  'Just a headache. I'll be fine in the morning.'

  'I'll stay with you.'

  ' Don't be silly,' she whispered. 'I want to go to bed.'

  ' All the more reason for me to stay. Don't you know I want to seduce you ?'

  ' You wouldn't take advantage of a sick woman, would you?'

  'I'd take advantage of you any timet'

  Her laughter was interrupted by Mrs Scott asking plaintively which car Jason proposed to drive.

  'I'll take the Maserati. Paula isn't coming with us.'

  A few moments later Paula stood on the steps and watched the two cars disappear round the curving drive. Long after they were out of sight she heard their engines in the quiet air, and she remained listening until there was no more to hear except the harsh croaking of the frogs in the pond that lay between the heavy banks of trees bordering the drive's edge. Only then did she go to her room. Below her the grounds of the house were shrouded in darkness, while the moon silvered the sea that glinted on the horizon's edge. To the left, the great curving bay was in darkness, but to the right she glimpsed the winking lights of a house set in its own grounds. Another one like this, she supposed, with its pampered owners, its unobtrusive servants and the soft cushioning of unlimited money. At this moment, a future with Jason seemed unthinkable, and fear was so strong in her that it sent her gasping to the balcony for breath. Only when the cool air had played against her face for a little while was she able to see her fears as irrational, and she returned to her bedroom and undressed. But not until she heard the soft purring of a well-tuned engine growing louder and then stopping close by was she able to fall asleep.

  A soft tapping awakened her and drowsily she stirred and tamed to look at the bedside table. No large clock confronted her and with a start she realized she was not at home. She groped for her watch. Ten o'clock. Disbelievingly she peered at it again, but it showed the same time. The tapping came again and a young girl entered holding a tray with coffee and croissants.

  'I didn't know it was so late,' Paula said, and then stopped, wondering if the girl spoke English.

  'It is not late. Miss Debbie is still asleep.' The reply came in a heavy French accent with American intonations. Paula poured herself some coffee. 'Is Mr Scott still asleep?'

  The girl giggled. ' He is always the last one op'

  Paula took the news thoughtfully and sat on the edge of her bed to eat her breakfast.

  Outside, the day was as glorious as it had been yesterday, and loath to waste it, she dressed quickly—if donning a bikini could be called dressing—and ran down the stairs and out towards the pool. Not until she was on the lawn's edge did she notice someone lounging on one of the easy chairs and she stopped and half turned. The girl facing her shifted slightly and smiled. She was wearing an emerald green trouser-suit which emphasized the golden tanned skin and threw into relief the glossy jet black hair which was her most striking feature. Paula stared at her in admiration, recognizing the svelte assurance that implied either money or model girl training.

  'You must be Paula MacKinnon,' the girl said, extending a cool hand. 'I'm Caroline Leonard.'

  Paula was thankful that years of training made it possible for her to hide the shock that the name had given her. She smiled and the girl smiled back, showing small, kittenish teeth.

  ' Jason told me he owes his life to you,' she continued in a lightly pitched voice.

  ' An exaggeration," Paula replied. 'If he owes it to anyone, it's to Martin Edgar.'

  ' But you're the one who held his hand ' Jason swears that's how he got better.'

  ' Jason talks nonsense.'

  'Oh dear,' Caroline Leonard murmured, 'now I've offended you. I'm so sorry.' She sank back on the cushions and reached for a cigarette. 'I suppose lover boy's still sleeping it off?'

  'Everyone went to the Casino last night,' Paula said evenly.

  'I know. Jason told me when he called me. That's why I didn't expect him at the airport.' She blew out a smoke ring and studied it as it widened and disappeared. ' But the least he could have done was to be awake when I got here. If he's not down in another five minutes I'll go and pour cold water over his head!'

  Careful, Paula told herself, this girl was a school friend of Debbie's. She had known Jason a long time. Besides, people in this milieu often talked with such easy familiarity. It meant nothing.

  ' Don't go down to the pool yet,' Caroline continued. 'I loathe being by myself.'

  Reluctantly Paula moved to the shade of the patio, aware, as she did so, of being carefully scrutinized.

  'You're younger than I thought, Dr MacKinnon. I wonder if you'd think it cheek if I asked for your opinion?'

  'What about?'

  ' Jason.'

  'I'm afraid I can't'

  pro

  'I'm not going to pry into Caroline interrupted. 'It's just quite well—they say one can't have secrets from one's doctor or hairdresser—and I was hoping you could help me.'

  'I don't know him as well as you do,' Paula said with difficulty.

  ' But you've got a less biased opinion. And that's what I need. You see I had hoped that being in hospital Id help him to grow up. I mean it's silly the way he wastes his time. It's all right for a girl, but for a man . . .' Another smoke ring was blown and Paula focused on it, willing herself to keep calm as the light voice hurried on, each word destroying the plans she had made. ' We had an awful row about it last week and I said I'd never marry him until he settled down to a proper jot)

  —either with his own father or mine. He got in a fearful temper and rushed oS. I thought he'd gone away to sulk, but apparently he went straight up to Marsden to see his father.'

  Paula moistened lips that were trembling and dry. 'When was that?'

  The smooth face puckered in a frown. 'Let me see . . . Oh, I know, it was the day they had that explosion in me factory.'

  Paula closed her eyes. The reason for Jason's unexpected appearance that night was now explained; as well as his sudden turning towards her. But why had he continued with the pretence? Once be had decided to do as Caroline Leonard asked, surely be could have returned and told her so? Unless he had perversely decided to keep her in suspense. The thought that she had been used as a dupe to make another woman jealous was so intolerable that she jumped up, throwing out her hands as though to ward off a blow.

  'What's the matter?' Caroline asked.

  With an effort Paula controlled herself. 'I think I've been stung. I must get some lotion.' She moved towards the house.

  'But you haven't answered me,' a plaintive cry stopped her at the frencb window, and she turned, glad that her face was partially hidden by shadow.

  ' You don't need an opinion from me, Miss Leonard. The fact that Jason asked you to come here is answer enough.'

  'You mean you think he's changed?'

  'It would seem so.'

  'Can a person change?'

  Paula nodded and backed away, afraid that if she had to answer any more questions about Jason, she would break down. 'I must get some lotion,' she gasped, and turning on her heel, ran across the room and up the stairs. What a fool she had been to believe she had a future with Jason. Swiftly, as a half waking dream, every word he had spoken since yesterday returned to mock at her. There had been flattery in plenty and passion too, but not one word of love. Love ... she pressed her knuckles against her lips. She had been the one to hint at a future, and in doing so had frightened him back to Caroline and the safety of a woman from his own world. Had he rung her when they returned to the house to change before dinner, a few moments after she had kissed him with such abandon in the rocky shelter bordering the cliff path?


  Anger such as she had not known for a long time carried her across the landing and into her room-Hurriedly she flung clothes into her case, haphazardly piled all her toilet things into a large waterproof bag and dumped them on the top. A tube of mascara dropped to the floor and she bent to pick it up. For an instant she held it in her hand, remembering the hopes she had cherished last night as she had carefully made herself as beautiful as she could. Furiously she flung it away from her and snapped the case shut.

  She was halfway down the corridor when the maid who had served her with breakfast came out of one of the bedrooms. She saw Paula's face and then the suitcase.

  'Is anything wrong, mademoiselle?' [ 'I must return to England ... An urgent call. Is there any way I can get to the airport?' , 'The chauffeur will take you.' The girl glanced to

  the door behind her. ' Or perhaps Mr Jason'

  ' Don't wake him up. If you could ask the chauf-, feur . . .'

  The girl hurried away and by the time Paula reached the front door a pale grey limousine was already parked there. Of her drive to the airport and her subsequent journey back to Marsden, Paula remembered very little-Like an automaton she travelled from London Airport to Kings Cross station and from Kings Cross to Marsden, and not until she saw the grey roofs of the hospital 'gainst the dusty sky did her numbness vanish.

  'This is the only life for me," she thought as she paid off the taxi and dumped her case in the porter's office. " Only here will I find attitudes I can understand and people I can help. From now on this is going to be my future." She put on her white jacket and went in search of Donald. He was not in the casualty department, nor could she find him in the staff canteen, and she was just about to climb the stairs to Men's Surgical when Martin emerged from the lift. She stopped, embarrassed, but he came over to her immediately. He looked pale and tired and there was an unusual flaccidity about his skin, though his voice was as calm and assured as always.

  'I didn't expect you back till Tuesday, Paula.'

  Only then did she realize it was Sunday, and that barely two days separated her from her last meeting with Martin.

  'II had to come back,' she stammered.

  Puzzled, he looked at her. ' Had to ? Was something wrong, then?'

  She nodded. ' Everything was wrong. Everything!

  Oh, Martin, I' She held out her hand blindly and he caught it.

  ' What is it? Can I help you?'

  ' No, you can't,' she said in a fierce, determined voice. 'I've got to help myself—and I will .'

  CHAPTER VI

  A long while later, when she looked back on the week that followed her return from Nice, Paula regarded it as one of the most miserable and difficult of her life. Despite the amount of work that she tool-on, there were always moments when she had to pause for rest and, in doing so, memory of Jason returned to haunt her. Yet haunt was too ephemeral a word; his was no bloodless personality but a memory of such vigour and physical attraction that there were times when the felt she had only to reach out her hands to touch him.

  Exactly a week after her return she found Martin waitIng for her in his car as she left the hospital, and without brooking any argument he took her out to dinner. They went to the same restaurant where they had dined before, and looking round it she marvelled at the change that had taken place in her. A few short months ago she had been confident that no man could touch her heart and Eat love, when it came, would be a sane companionship. Now she knew it to be an insane possession that made a fool of logic.

  Without asking her what she wanted, Martin ordered their meal. She was surprised at his unusual assertive-ness and wryly concluded that her own weakness was giving him the impetus to dominate her. It was a new aspect of him, and she watched surreptitiously as, putting aside the menu, he carefully perused the wine list and had a lengthy discussion with the wine waiter.

  Unexpectedly she wondered how Jason would act in a restaurant. It was odd to think she had never dined alone with him, had never in fact been anywhere with him except in his arms. Hastily she concentrated on the man in front of her, saying the first words that came into her head, not even knowing what they were until 'he heard herself say them, when she would then have given everything she possessed to have them unsaid. But it was too late: they were spoken and he wai considering them.

  ' You never realized how kind I was until this last week?'

  he echoed her remark. 'I'm not sure I take that as a compliment.'

  'It was meant as one.'

  ' My patients have always considered me kind,' he said humorously.

  4I wasn't thinking of you as a surgeon, but as a man.'

  " That's the first compliment you've paid mel I was beginning to think you d never see me that way.' He leaned forward, the warm glow from the shaded lamp on their table giving his skin a pinkness that made him seem strangely vulnerable. ' Do I need to tell you how I feel about you? I know you're still hurt over your affair with Scott, but I can't stand by and run the risk of your falling for some other young fool when there's a perfectly good old one more than willing to give you the rest of his life.'

  'Oh, Martini' Tears filled her eyes and she blinked her lids quickly. But two drops splashed on to the hand clasping hers and as she went to rub them away his other hand came up and stopped her.

  ' Are they tears for yourself or for me, Paula?'

  ' For both of us,' she whispered. ' For me because I was stupid and for you because you're too kind and deserve much better.'

  'Does that mean there's a chance for me?' She hesitated and he said quickly: ' Don't answer that now. I shouldn't have asked you so soon. It's just that I want you to know you can turn to me if you need anything.

  ' Thank you,' she said softly. 'I'll remember that.'

  It was not till they were at the coffee stage that he mentioned Jason Scott's name again, doing it with such deliberation that she realized he had been leading np to it. 'There's no point in avoiding the subject. It would be like having an illness and refusing to admit itl'

  'I suppose love is an illness.' Her tone was wry. 'What would you prescribe to help me get out of it?'

  ' Another man. That's the quickest cure!' ' Too drastic for the patient in her present state of health, Mr Edgar. Can you suggest something that would be less ot a shock to her system?'

  ' Dinner twice a week with the doctor in charge of the easel'

  ' And how long before the cure is guaranteed?' ' That depends on the patient's co-operation.' 'She'll do anything to get better," Paula said vehemently, and looking at Martin discarded all pretence. 'It's knowing he made a fool of me that hurts most. I keep wondering why he preferred Caroline Leonard.' She stopped at his look of amusement and knowing the cause of it, laughed wryly. 'I know it sounds conceited, but honestly, Martin, she's just a good-looking empty-headed girl.'

  ' Empty heads arc uncomplicated ones. It's obviously what he likes.'

  ' He never used to think that. When he was here

  ' He was ill,' Martin interrupted. ' And sick people don't always think the same when they're well again.'

  It was an echo of what she had once said to Jason herself. If only she had not been fool enough to forget

  'I blame myself for the whole affair with Scott, Martin went on. 'If I hadn't made such a fuss about you letting your life slip by, you wouldn't have fallen for him the way you did.'

  'It should have been you,' she admitted.

  'I was too careful in case I scared you off.' He took out a cigar and went through the performance of lighting it. yI treated you like I treat this,' he said, waving the cigar in front of her. 'I keep forgetting a woman should be regarded as a cigarette—taken out and set fire to quickly .'

  She burst out laughing. Martin had always had a good sense of humour, but until now the things they had laughed at had been clinical rather than emotional. Tonight he was deliberately changing his behaviour, and she found herself warming to him in a way she had never anticipated-The feeling of companionship gave her a greater
sense of freedom with him, emboldening her to ask a question long in her mind. 'Do you ever see your ex-wife, Martin?' ' She died a year ago.' 'I'm sorry. I'd no idea.'

  ' Why should you have ? We rarely saw each other after we parted.' He stared at the tablecloth, marking the shiny linen with the edge of his coffee spoon as he traced abstract patterns. 'I should never have married her in the first place. That's the one thing I regret-hurting her needlessly. Like you, I put medicine before anything else, and I suppose subconsciously chose a woman whom I knew could never touch me emotionally. The trouble was that ' meant something to her, and when I didn't respond in the way she wanted, it turned her into a different person.' He looked up. ' Surely you've heard about the scenes we used to have?' 'I wanted to hear your side of it.'

  'I have no side to it. There's only one important thing to say. I never loved Eileen the way I love you and I should never have married her. Mind you, I didn't want to fall in love with you. I was reasonably content and I didn't relish complicating my life. At one time I almost resigned and took a consultantship down South.' 'Why didn't you?' 'I couldn't bring myself to leave you.' She was astonished. ' You hid it very well.' ' The facade was beginning to crack the night Scott was brought in.'

  ' But you covered it up again.' He sighed. 'If I hadtft, maybe a lot of things would have been different.' He drained his coffee and stood up. 'Let's go.'

  Driving in the car with him, Paula knew he intended to make love to her, and when he brought the car to a halt in a dark lane skirting the town and pulled her into his arms, she made no effort to resist him. Yet it was impossible for her to participate, and though she urged herself to respond, inside she felt dead. Not for one single moment did desire blot out reality. All she was conscious of was the weight of Martin s body against hers, the roughness of his cheek rubbing her skin and the heaviness of hands she had always considered gentle.