Second Best Wife Page 16

  He went on talking and Julia listened with only half an ear, her thoughts busy with her own problem. How and when was she going to tell Adam her news? As soon as he saw him tonight, or should she lead up to it gradually? A young wife would normally be bursting with excitement to tell her husband she was expecting a baby, but it was different for herself. All she felt was anxiety and despair. And heaven knew what Adam would feel. She glanced at Roy from beneath her lashes, wondering what he would say if she told him she was pregnant.

  'I'll contact you as soon as I get back to London,' Roy said, breaking into her thoughts. 'Unless you ever find yourself in Paris, that is.'

  'I doubt it,' Julia replied, amused by the thought of herself, with swollen belly, strolling down the Champs-Elysees.

  'If you need me at any time,' he went on, 'don't hesitate to let me know.'

  'I will,' she lied, knowing that Roy, for all his willingness, could never again be a part of her future.

  It was an utterable relief when she finally found herself outside the front door of her home, and she stood there for a moment, knowing that here, in this house, had come the realisation of her love for the man she had married. It was here Adam's child had been conceived, yet she had no idea if it was here that he or she would grow up. Only one thing was certain. She must now do what was best for her baby. Her own pride was no longer important.

  Adam had said he wanted to make their marriage work. For that reason he had forced her to consummate it. But the anger which had prevented her telling him she loved him had miraculously died the instant she had learned of the life she was carrying inside her. She would tell Adam she loved him regardless of how spineless it made her seem. All that mattered was for her to have the strength to build a future with him and the baby; to make his home such a warm and happy one that he would gradually find it adequate compensation. Happy to have made her decision, she went into the house.

  The door leading to the drawing room was ajar and instantly she sensed someone was there. She walked in and stopped, startled to see Adam standing by the window.

  'I didn't expect you so early,' she said. 'I've been lunching with Roy.'

  'Would you have put off your date if you'd known I was coming back early?'

  'I'd have had nothing to put off,' she replied. 'I didn't arrange to see Roy. I bumped into him in Grosvenor Square.'

  Adam's shrug made it obvious he did not believe her, and she bit her lip. The sunlight pouring in haloed his head and outlined his shoulders, making him look taller and broader. But thinner too, she thought with a pang, noticing how pale he was beneath his tan.

  'I'm sure you could do with a rest,' she said impulsively. 'I suppose you worked non-stop as usual?'

  'It wasn't exactly a vacation,' he agreed briefly, 'though you look as if you've had one. Especially today. You're glowing.'

  'Am I?' Julia moistened her lips. 'As a matter of fact, I… I have something important to tell you.'

  'I have something important to say too. And it might be best if I spoke first. It could save you the embarrassment of having to tell me whatever it is you intended.'

  'What makes you believe I'd be embarrassed?'

  'I think I know you well enough,' he said quietly, and moved across to the fireplace. Idly he shifted a small jade figure on the mantelshelf, but she could tell it was a nervous gesture, something he was not aware of doing.

  'Why don't you talk to me later?' she said huskily, 'after you've had a rest?'

  He spun round. 'Because I won't be able to rest until I've spoken to you. What I have to say should have been said a long time ago, and I was a selfish swine to have waited so long.' He flung out his hands. 'You know what I am trying to say, don't you, Julia?'

  'I'm not sure,' she whispered.

  'I'm willing to give you your freedom,' he said. 'You won't need to beg me for it again.'

  Julia felt the colour draining from her face, like sand from an hourglass. She wanted to speak but could not move her tongue.

  'Don't look like that,' he said abruptly.

  'Like—like what?'

  'Unbelieving.' He fidgeted and looked down at the floor. 'You were right, Julia, and I was arrogantly wrong. Our marriage won't work. I've tried, and I'm sure you have, too, but I can't go on with it any longer.'

  'I see.'

  And Julia did—all too clearly. Adam no longer wanted to pretend he had a happy marriage, and this meant he had finally capitulated to Erica. Yet he had put up a terrific fight, making love to her night after night in the hope that it would help him forget the one woman he wanted above all others. Julia stifled a sigh. She should have guessed what was happening to him when he stopped coming to her. Admitting defeat, she silently went to the door.

  'I'll pack my things,' she said quietly.

  'There's no need for you to rush away.' His voice was husky. 'We can be civilised about the whole thing.'

  'Oh, sure,' she said sarcastically. 'By all means let's be civilised.'

  'I was referring to the way we end our marriage. It was never real, anyway,' he said heavily, and as she spun round and he saw her expression, his mouth narrowed. 'I'm not forgetting the way I behaved, Julia. I know I should never have touched you, but…' his voice was so low it was almost inaudible, 'but I thought that if… anyway, I was wrong. I now know one can never force love.'

  'I agree,' she said dully, and turned again to the door. 'You won't be able to get an annulment,' he said behind her. 'You realise that, don't you?'

  She almost laughed aloud. As if she could ever forget it! Hysteria rose in her, but she clenched her hands and fought it down. She must never let him know about the baby. He wanted to be free of her and she would see that he was. Never would she use her pregnancy as a lever to keep him by her side.

  'I'll try to move things as quickly as I can,' Adam went on. 'Would you like me to talk to Roy?'

  Julia spun round again at this. 'What for? To explain why we can't get an annulment?'

  Adam's face was as immovable as a mask, though his eyes glittered strangely. 'If it will make things easier for you, I'll tell him you were never willingly my wife. That I had to force you.'

  She stared at him. 'You would admit that?' 'Yes. If it will ensure your happiness.' It took Julia a moment to absorb the full meaning of what he had said. Then she gave a bitter smile. 'I don't think I need you to explain anything to Roy. He knows me well enough to realise I only lived with you under duress.' Flags of red stained Adam's cheeks and she knew her words had wounded him. But she wasn't finished yet either. There was one more salvo she had to fire. 'If you'd like me to tell Erica I forced myself on you,' she continued brightly, 'I'm only too happy to oblige.'

  'I doubt if it would matter to Erica one way or the other,' he said curtly.

  'You mean as long as she's the victor, she's willing to forget the past?'

  Adam half turned away, giving Julia a view of his profile: the thick dark hair waving straight back from the high forehead, the firm, straight line of his nose and the narrow but well-shaped mouth, at this moment set in a rigid line.

  'How long will we actually have to wait for a divorce?'

  Julia forced herself to ask.

  'Two years. But with extenuating circumstances it may be less… I'll look into it and let you know.'

  'It makes no difference to me,' she shrugged. 'And it won't matter to you either, will it? Erica will still have to wait until she's followed her late husband's wishes.'

  'Yes.'

  It was a clipped sound, as though forced from him, and it was more than Julia could bear. Her control snapped and anger exploded.

  'You're crazy if you think you'll be happy with a woman like that! She doesn't love you, Adam. She's incapable of loving anyone except herself.'

  'I don't comment on the way you intend running your life,' Adam glared, his own anger rising to meet hers. 'And I'll thank you to leave mine alone!'

  'Gladly,' she flung at him. 'You're a fool—a blind, stupid fool!'


  'I certainly have been,' he agreed bleakly. 'But not any more.'

  He swung away from her and looked out of the window, his stance making it plain that the discussion was at an end.

  For an instant, Julia watched him, then with a shiver she ran from the room.

  But her bedroom was no haven, for it was filled with memories of Adam, and she knew she would have no peace until she had left this house and put behind her all her cherished plans for making it a home. Thank God she had not told Adam about the baby. But what would he have said if she had? And wasn't there a moral obligation for her to tell him? After all, it was his child, and even when they were divorced he would still have parental rights.

  It was strange to think of Adam as a father, and it made Julia overwhelmingly conscious of the life within her. Would it be a boy or girl? she wondered, but knew it did not matter either way. The most important thing was that it would require Adam's love as much as her own. Wrenching open the door, she rushed down the stairs.

  'Adam!' she cried as she ran towards the drawing room. 'Adam, I've got to talk to you.'

  But the room was empty and his briefcase, which she had noticed on the settee, was gone. She ran back into the hall and was halfway up the stairs to his room when Emilio came through from the kitchen, waving an envelope at her.

  'What is it?' she asked breathlessly. 'Mr Lester has gone out, madam, and he asked me to give you this letter.'

  Julia waited as Emilio came up the stairs and handed her an envelope, though she did not open it until she was in the privacy of her room. It was a short note—the first one Adam had written to her since their marriage—and it was ironic it should be a goodbye letter.

  'I'm staying at my club,' he began without preamble. 'Only for tonight, though, as I'm going to New York in the morning. I'll be away several weeks, which should give you ample time to make arrangements to leave. You'll still receive your allowance each quarter, and I would like you to use it. After the way I behaved to you it's the very least I can do. Believe me, Julia, I'm bitterly sorry for the way things turned out. I had hoped…' These last three words were crossed out and he began a new paragraph.

  'Please don't think of looking for another job—at least not yet. You've been through a rotten time and I think you should take yourself off somewhere for a decent holiday. Unless of course you decide to move in with Roy right away.'

  Julia's hand clutched at the letter. Did Adam honestly believe she could go back to Roy, or was he making himself think it in order to lessen his guilt for breaking his side of their bargain? Well, there was one thing she had learned for certain. One could never bargain when it came to love. She let the letter drop on to the dressing table. She couldn't tell Adam about the baby until he returned from America, and by that time she might have decided not to do so anyway. Perhaps it was better for a child to have no father than a reluctant one; and the thought of sharing her baby with Adam—once he was living with Erica—was more than she could tolerate. She sat down in front of the dressing table. 'You're glowing,' Adam had said, implying that her meeting with Roy was the reason. Poor, foolish Adam. If he only knew the truth!

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  The prospect of living in a furnished flat again was so depressing that Julia could not bring herself to do anything about finding one, and for the next two days she mooned about the house like a zombie, unable to think clearly about anything.

  A call from Betty Burglass finally forced her out of her gloom.

  'We thought you might be lonely with Adam away again,' Betty said brightly. 'I know it's short notice, but if you aren't doing anything this evening, Jack and I would love you to come over to dinner. There'll just be the three of us and we can have a cosy chat.'

  Julia could think of no good reason for refusing, yet as she replaced the receiver she wished she had not accepted the invitation. It would look peculiar if she didn't talk about Adam, yet how would Betty and Jack react if she spoke of him affectionately tonight and they discovered next week that they had parted? The whole idea was so embarrassing she decided it was best to stay at home.

  She reached for the phone, but then stopped. To plead a headache was so palpably a lie that she could not do it. Besides, Jack and Betty had always been kind to her and she was reluctant to offend them, so short of telling them the truth she had no option but to go and put on an act. Still, it would be for the last time.

  Anxious to look her best, she took great pains with her appearance, and was delighted how easily blushers and tinted foundation could transform a wan face into a glowing one. Only her eyes remained dead: blue glass that masked her inner turmoil. A full-skirted dress in warm shades of pink and rose softened the too slender lines of her figure, its ruffled neckline hiding the hollows at the base of her neck.

  Jack and Betty greeted her warmly and she was surprised how at home she felt with them. They lived in an elegant town house bordering Regent's Park, and she enjoyed the informal dinner which they had in the rustic kitchen on the lower ground floor. It was evidently the staffs night out, for Betty prepared the meal herself: grilling steaks on a built-in charcoal grill, cooking jacket potatoes in the microwave oven—six minutes and they were ready—and tossing a huge green salad in a cut glass bowl, its oil and garlic dressing filling the air with a delicious if pungent aroma.

  Talk was inconsequential as they sat around the wood table, enjoying the food and the delicious Burgundy which Jack poured with a lavish hand. Gradually Julia found herself relaxing, and for the first time no longer felt as if she were putting on an act. At this moment she really did feel Adam's wife, and for some unexpected reason the happiness she had been pretending was all at once real. She knew it was a sensation that would not last, but for as long as it did she was going to enjoy it.

  'We were hoping marriage would stop Adam from rushing round the world,' said Betty as she poured the coffee. 'But it doesn't seem to have made any difference. You should start putting your foot down, Julia.' 'And have it trodden on?'

  'Adam wouldn't do that,' Jack intervened. 'You should have seen the way he was watching you the other night at dinner. He looked positively fatuous!'

  Julia forced a laugh. 'Adam could never look fatuous.'

  'Well, he did. I know it's surprising to discover someone's a romantic when you've always thought of them as being incisive and businesslike, but take it from me, Adam's as romantic as hell where you're concerned.

  His face melts each time he looks at you.'

  Julia refused to believe they were discussing the man she knew. Even when making love to her Adam had never shown any special tenderness. True, his touch had been gentle, and even at the height of passion he had never been wholly absorbed in his own feelings, but had slowed his pace to try and make her response match his own. The fact that she had forcibly restrained herself from responding had never stopped him from trying to make her do so, and he had never—apart from that first angry taking of her—put his own passion ahead of hers. Yet he had never murmured words of love, never given away any of his thoughts. Silently he had come to her bed and silently he had left it. Yet tonight she found herself wondering if, like her, he had been reluctant to show his true feelings. Much as she longed to think this, she dismissed the thought, anxious not to let herself be swayed by Jack's interpretation of Adam's reaction to her.

  'You're looking very pensive, Julia,' Betty said softly. 'I suppose you were wishing you were with Adam?'

  'I was thinking about him,' Julia admitted, 'but I wasn't wishing I was with him. When he's working he's so absorbed in what he's doing that he doesn't have time for any one.'

  'He'd always have time for you,' Jack insisted. 'Once Adam has given his love, it's for life. That's why he played the field so long and so hard—because he was scared of commitment. Being his own man—having total independence—has always been extremely important to him.'

  'I wouldn't call it independence,' Julia replied bluntly. 'It's more a determination not to let anyone know his innermost fee
lings. Even if he has any doubts about anything, he'd never want anyone to know it.'

  'That's understandable when you think of his background,' Jack said. 'If I'd had his sort of childhood I'd probably be the same.'

  'He told me his mother and father were teachers,' Julia remarked, 'and that he came from the Midlands. But other than that, I know very little about him.'

  Once again Jack did not hide his surprise. 'I know Adam hates talking about his past, but I assumed he'd told you about it.'

  'Well, he hasn't—beyond saying that his parents were always preoccupied with themselves and he was left on his own a lot.'

  'And nothing more than that?' 'No. Is there more?'

  Jack's expression indicated that there was a great deal more, but from the look he gave his wife, Julia sensed his reluctance to tell her. Normally she would have let the matter rest, but because of her state of mind, every little detail of Adam's life was important to her.

  'Please tell me,' she begged. 'Adam puzzles me so much at times that if there's anything in his past which would help me to understand his present behaviour, I'd like to know it.'

  Still Jack hesitated.

  'Please,' Julia reiterated. 'I'm not just being idly curious. Sometimes Adam's so—so distant that…' Her voice trailed away, for she was fearful of disclosing more than she should. But she seemed to have said enough, for Jack nodded, as if giving himself permission to speak. 'Adam was adopted,' he said. 'Adopted?'

  'That's right. The woman he called his mother was actually his aunt. She didn't want to look after him, but she and her husband became his guardians out of a sense of obligation. If you want to make Adam furious, just fling the word "duty" at him,' Jack added. 'What happened to his own parents?' 'Adam's mother ran off with a trapeze artist when she was eighteen, but as soon as she became pregnant, he left her. A month afterwards he was killed in a road accident, but Adam's mother remained with the circus—they were pretty wonderful to her during her pregnancy, I believe, and after Adam was born she worked as assistant to the owner. Then when Adam was four, she decided to take him to see her parents—by that time they'd decided to forgive her—and she was still in Yorkshire with them when she contracted polio and died.' Julia was astounded. 'It sounds like an episode from a soap opera!'