Second Best Wife Read online

  It was nearly one o'clock when the party broke up, and with the departure of the last guest, Julia visibly wilted. It was like watching a light go out, and again Adam was overwhelmed by an inexplicable surge of tenderness towards her, and a longing to lift her up in his arms and carry her to her room. How he wished it were 'their' room! He rubbed the side of his face. He had promised to wait until she was ready for him, but he doubted if this would ever happen; each step forward was followed by two steps back, with Erica the force that was pushing them apart.

  'Come into the study and relax for a while,' he suggested. 'It'll do you good to sit quietly before going to bed.'

  Julia hesitated, but then slowly followed him.

  'You don't often come in here, do you, Julia?' he asked, as they entered the study.

  'I don't feel I have the right. This is very much your room, Adam. You wouldn't want it filled with memories of me.'

  'Memories?' he echoed. 'You speak as if you're going away.'

  'You wouldn't miss me if I did.'

  'We made a bargain,' he pointed out, and immediately knew from her expression that he had said the wrong thing. 'I wasn't trying to remind you of it, Julia. It was just my clumsy way of saying I'd miss you.'

  She shrugged in disbelief, and he decided to let the subject drop. Crossing to his desk, he returned with a bar of chocolate, which he handed to her. She looked at him with such surprise that he chuckled.

  'I thought you might be hungry. I noticed you hardly touched your dinner, and it's my bet you're depressed because of a lack of sugar.'

  Julia was amused. 'Trust you to find a practical reason for my blues!' She broke the chocolate bar and offered him half.

  'I don't need it,' he said.

  'Yes, you do. You're too thin.'

  'I'm strong as a horse.' Adam playfully flexed his muscles and Julia stepped quickly away from him, disguising the sudden movement by settling at once into a chair. Her skirt billowed around her and she looked as if she were sitting on a pale pink cloud.

  'You should be feeling very pleased with yourself, Julia.' Adam was surprised that his voice sounded husky, and he cleared his throat. 'The dinner was perfect, and so were you.'

  'Perfect is one of your favourite words.'

  'You make it sound like an indictment!'

  'Maybe it is,' she replied. 'Most people find it impossible to be perfect. Perhaps one day you'll learn to make allowances for them.'

  'I've already done so—many times. Otherwise I'd have no friends.'

  'Yet you want to be perfect.'

  'I think you're using the wrong word.' He came closer to her. 'Success is probably a better one. It's failure I abhor. Any kind of failure.' He looked at Julia questioningly. 'Does that make me less admirable in your eyes?'

  'Yes,' she said promptly. 'Not everyone can be a success, Adam, and even failure has its compensations. Some of the nicest people I know are failures.'

  'You're being charitable.'

  'I think not.'

  'Except to me,' he added softly, and with a sudden movement, pulled her up into his arms. Instantly she tried to draw back, but he refused to let her go. 'Doesn't a husband have the right to say thank you to his wife for a perfect dinner party?' he whispered, and not giving her a chance to reply, pressed his mouth upon hers.

  Her lips remained unyielding, and when he tried to force them apart she beat her hands angrily upon his chest. Ignoring her temper, he went on kissing her, moving his own hands slowly across her back and down the firm line of her spine; over the smooth curves of her hips and up to the fuller swell of her breasts. She began to tremble, and he knew instinctively that she, was not unmoved by what he was doing, even though she was desperately fighting against it.

  'Kiss me,' he whispered, pushing aside the folds of chiffon covering her breasts, to touch the nipples that were standing firmly erect. God! she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Why didn't she realise it and relax with him? 'Kiss me,' he repeated.

  'No!'

  'Why not?' He rubbed his cheek against hers. 'Open your mouth and kiss me, Julia. It's time you stopped being shy with me. We've already been married two months.'

  With a suddenness that took him unawares, she pulled away from him. 'Must you always keep referring to our bargain?' she asked indignantly. 'You told me you'd wait till I was ready, and I'm not. I don't feel I can—I can—'

  'Sacrifice yourself?' he cut in bitterly.

  'Yes,' she said. 'That's what it will be—a sacrifice. Do you think I want to be touched by a man who's constantly thinking of another woman?'

  'Leave Erica out of this,' Adam said angrily.

  'How can I? You make it impossible. Do you think I didn't notice her disappearing from the drawing room after dinner, and then coming back looking like the cat that had swallowed the canary?'

  'I can assure you I wasn't the canary.'

  'But you won't deny you were with her?'

  'Of course I was with her. But only because I was worried she'd make a scene if I said no.' 'Do you still love her?'

  Before tonight, Adam would unhesitatingly have said 'yes'. But seeing Erica after a lapse of nearly two months, he was no longer sure. She still aroused him, yet he had been much more critical of her behaviour; had actually found himself noticing and disliking her antagonism.

  'Don't bother answering my question,' Julia said into the silence, and before he could explain why he had taken so long, she pushed past him and ran from the room.

  Adam sat down in the chair she had vacated. The perfume she wore still hovered around it, and he breathed it in. Without rhyme or reason he felt unbearably saddened, and knew a deep longing to hold her in his arms again and caress her beautiful skin. Habit was a powerful force. In the last eight weeks he had grown used to having her in his home. He enjoyed her quiet yet decisive ways, her sense of humour and sharp intelligence. Sometimes she could be waspish, but he suspected her moods were caused through fear of consummating their marriage. If only he could break down her resistance! Julia was no ignorant Victorian miss, nor was she frigid—her response when he held her and kissed her told him that quite plainly.

  Yet her awareness of what he felt for Erica obviously rankled in her mind. It was an attitude he could not understand, for she had married him knowing exactly how he felt. Could it be that Julia, like all women, wanted to be the first choice in her husband's life? She would never admit to being jealous, of course, but there was no other way to explain her behaviour.

  Rising, Adam left the study and went upstairs to his bedroom. As he passed Julia's door he hesitated for a moment and then knocked.

  'Yes?' she called.

  'It's Adam,' he replied. 'I'd like to speak to you for a moment.'

  After a few seconds she opened the door. She was wearing a loose, flowing housecoat, and had washed off her make-up. She looked about sixteen—and a very innocent sixteen, at that.

  'What do you want?' she asked.

  'Only to say you can forget our bargain. Three months or three years won't make any difference to me. I'd never force myself on you no matter if we have to live like this for the rest of our lives.'

  Her eyes widened and seemed to take on a deeper blue tinge. 'Thank you, Adam,' she said softly. 'I never expected you to say that, and I—I'm very touched.'

  He stepped back. 'So now you can sleep well, without any nightmares of being forced into surrender.'

  'They were never nightmares,' she murmured. 'I didn't mean to be so hurtful downstairs, but I lost my temper.'

  'It's that red hair of yours,' he said ruefully. 'Beats me how you managed to control yourself when you were my secretary. There must have been many times when you longed to throw something at me.'

  'Actually there weren't. I'm much more sensitive to your moods now than I ever was before.'

  'The way a good wife should be,' Adam said dryly, and lifting his hand in a gesture of resignation, went to his room.

  For many hours he lay sleepless; a rare occurrence with
him, for he usually managed to blot out all his problems once he was in bed. Yet this problem was a personal one, which made it different. Restlessly he thumped his pillow. He had tried to resolve his unhappiness over Erica by taking a businesslike solution, and was beginning to see the inherent problems in it. Julia was seeing them too, as exemplified by her admission that she was far quicker-tempered with him now that he was her husband than she had been when he was her employer.

  This meant their only hope of being happy together was for him to treat her as a friend and nothing more. He did not know how long he could maintain such a sexless attitude—he was a man, after all, not a monk—but he'd do his level best. Only in that way could he reassure Julia and hope—eventually—to break down the barrier she had erected between them.

  'What a situation!' he muttered aloud. 'If I didn't like her so much I'd force her to surrender. Once she had, she'd soon see it was the best way for us to live.'

  Yet he was mouthing words he had no intention of turning into action, and he accepted that for the foreseeable future, work was going to be his safety valve.

  It was not a happy thought.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Julia wondered why she wasn't relieved when Adam told her he wouldn't hold her to their bargain. After all, the prospect of physically becoming his wife had worried her since their wedding day. How illogical human beings were, she thought, slipping off her housecoat. When she had gone to Adam's room earlier this evening and asked him if he liked what she was wearing, she had sensed he was seeing her as a woman for the first time. She had realised then how it would feel to be Erica, the woman he really loved, and the knowledge that he was nonetheless willing to consummate a loveless marriage was something she had found infinitely degrading to herself.

  Slipping on her nightdress, she glanced at the door. She had trusted Adam and never locked it, yet now she wanted to turn the key—which was ludicrous, considering he had just made a promise to leave her alone.

  Her sleep that night was fitful and she dreamed about Adam and Erica, though she could only remember fragments of it when she awoke. Yet it left her with an awful feeling of rejection, and once again she was dismayed by the illogicality of her emotions. Though she called herself all kinds of a fool, her depression increased when Emilio told her Adam had a business dinner that night, and had left word he would not be home till late.

  Reluctant to spend the evening on her own, Julia rang Susan Smith, who had taken her place at the office, and invited her to come over for a meal.

  The girl accepted instantly, and at six-thirty was standing on the front doorstep. Julia had given the staff the evening off and opened the door herself, feeling less inhibited now she was alone.

  'What a marvellous place!' Susan exclaimed, stepping into the hall, wide-eyed with curiosity. 'Somewhat different from your old homestead in Kentish Town.'

  'You can say that again,' Julia grinned, having decided earlier in the day that false modesty was far more irritating than honest-to-goodness pleasure in her changed circumstances.

  'I can't believe it's all yours,' Susan continued, stepping into the sitting room.

  'It's Adam's,' Julia corrected.

  'Yours as well now,' said Susan. 'You know the marriage vow: with all my worldly goods I thee endow?'

  'How's life at the office?' Julia asked, deciding to change the subject.

  'Much the same. We all miss you dreadfully. No one can argue with the boss the way you did.' Susan sat down. 'You look wonderful, Julia—like someone out of Vogue.' 'Thanks for the compliment, but I don't feel it.' 'Why not?'

  'Because I'm bored. I'm not used to being a lady of leisure and I'm going potty looking for things to do.'

  'You must be mad! If I were married to someone as rich as Adam, I'd wallow in doing nothing.'

  'It's fine for a month or two,' Julia agreed. 'But after that it begins to pall.'

  'Wait till you have a family. You'll soon find yourself hankering for days like this. Though I daresay you'll have a nanny to do all the chores.'

  'If I had any children I'd look after them myself,' Julia replied, and turned quickly to the drinks tray. 'Just orange juice for me,' said Susan. 'I'll get some fresh orange from the kitchen.' 'Now you've disappointed me. I thought all you'd have to do was ring a bell and a genie would appear.' , 'The genie and his wife are off for the evening,' Julia smiled. 'And so is the maid.'

  'You mean we have to survive on our own?'

  'Don't you think we're capable of it?'

  Giggling, Susan followed Julia into the kitchen and watched as she took an orange from the vast American refrigerator and squeezed it through the electric juice extractor.

  'How the rich live!' the girl sighed. 'This house has everything.'

  Except a loving husband, Julia thought, and wondered what Susan would say if she knew. Yet she would never confide in Susan—or anyone else, for that matter. She owed Adam her loyalty and must pretend their marriage was a normal one.

  'Can I carry anything through for you?' Susan asked.

  'It's all set out on the table,' said Julia. 'We're just having something cold.'

  'I like your use of the word "just",' Susan commented a little later as she surveyed the cantaloupe, salmon in dill sauce, and the sour cream and cucumber salad which accompanied it. 'I bet strawberries and cream come next.'

  'Raspberries, actually, but I'm sure we have strawberries if you'd prefer.'

  'Don't overdo it, dear friend, or I might come again!'

  'I hope you will. I'm sorry Adam wasn't here to meet you.'

  'I'm not. I don't think I'd have come if he'd been here. He wouldn't like it.'

  'Don't be silly,' Julia said quickly. 'Adam's no snob. He may have faults, but that isn't one of them.'

  'I know,' Susan agreed. 'And that wasn't what I meant. But you know how he likes to divide his life into compartments, and I don't think he'd find it easy to mix socially with members of his staff.'

  'He married one,' Julia said dryly.

  'Too true, but that doesn't negate what I said. He still likes to keep everybody and everything in separate sections. It's a form of rigidity.'

  'Which is supposed to be a sign of insecurity,' Julia murmured, half to herself.

  'Adam Lester insecure?' Susan was astounded. 'Only a woman who loved him would dare say a thing like that. You obviously see him in a different light from the rest of us.'

  Julia dared not deny this, and silently offered Susan some salad; then started telling her about their trip to India, which was sufficiently interesting to take her friend's mind off Adam.

  But later, when they had returned to the drawing room for coffee, Susan brought him into the conversation again.

  'Don't you mind him going out and leaving you like this?' she asked.

  'Why should I? He has to see clients and sometimes I'd be in the way.'

  'Particularly when the client is Erica Dukes,' Susan said bluntly.

  Julia's hands trembled and she put her cup on the table. Why hadn't Adam been truthful about tonight? She was aware of the younger girl eyeing her with ill-concealed curiosity and, angered by it, she gained strength.

  'Adam has loads of women clients, and if I were jealous of them all my life would be hell.'

  'Mrs Dukes was more than a client.'

  'Which was what Adam wanted everyone to think.' It was hard for Julia to remain calm. 'It stopped everyone from guessing the truth about us.'

  'Well, you succeeded on that score,' Susan said admiringly. 'I don't think it entered anyone's head that you and Adam were in love. Was your engagement to Roy also part of the whole thing?'

  Julia hesitated, furious that she had not thought that Susan might ask such a question. She racked her brain trying to remember what she had said to the girl about it, and unable to recall, decided to go for the half-truth.

  'I got engaged to Roy because I didn't think Adam and I would ever marry.' At least that part of it was true. 'I knew he—that he loved me,' she continu
ed quickly, 'but I couldn't see him actually settling down for years. So I decided to make a life for myself with Roy.'

  'Which caused the green-eyed god of jealousy to erupt,' Susan giggled. 'So your little act paid off?'

  'It seems like it,' Julia smiled. 'More coffee?'

  'Yes, please.' Susan went over to look at the books on the shelves. 'Adam reads a lot, doesn't he? Islamic painting, Greek sculpture, travel books. I didn't know he had such wide interests. I always thought his sole interests were law—and beautiful women—until he married you, of course.'

  Irritated by Susan's comments, Julia wished she had not invited her over. She feigned a yawn, then put her hand to her mouth.

  'I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to go fairly soon,' she murmured. 'I had a very late night yesterday, and I can hardly keep my eyes open. It was our first dinner party,' she added, feeling an explanation was due. 'So I hope you'll forgive me for pushing you out.'

  'Think nothing of it.' Susan helped herself to the last petit four on the tray. 'I've thoroughly enjoyed seeing you again, Julia. I wasn't sure if you'd be too grand to keep up with your old friends.'

  Swallowing the retort that no one in the office had been particularly close to her, Julia smiled and rose. It had not been a good idea having Susan over, and she wouldn't repeat it. Sometimes circumstances changed a person too much for old situations to continue.

  After Susan had left, Julia took the coffee cups down to the kitchen. Still unused to being waited on, she was reluctant to leave the dirty dishes for the maid, and washed them herself. She had almost finished when she heard a step behind her and turned to see Adam in the doorway.

  'What are you doing?' he asked curtly.

  'Washing the coffee things.'

  'I pay staff to do that.'

  'In a way, you pay me too.'

  'I'm in no mood for smart answers, Julia.'

  'Would you like a cup of coffee?' she asked, ignoring his comment.

  'With honey to sweeten me, perhaps?'

  'I doubt if honey is strong enough.'