Second Best Wife Page 17

  'I know. But in this case it's true. Adam's grandparents decided they were too old to look after him, so his aunt and uncle adopted him instead.'

  'How do you know all this?'

  'Because Adam and I grew up in the same town, and you know what small towns are like. In those days it was quite a scandal for a girl to run off the way Adam's mother did, and then when she had a child…' Jack shook his head. 'Adam's aunt was a mean-spirited woman: an ardent churchgoer but devoid of compassion, and she never let Adam forget what he was. His grandfather was even worse. He'd set his heart on going into local politics, and during one election campaign a rival threw up a lot of dirt about Adam's mother, and his grandfather didn't get elected. He always blamed Adam for it, so you see, from the time he was about five, your husband was pretty long on duty and pretty short on love.'

  Julia began to understand Adam's need for position and his determination never to be pitied.

  'Tell me more about him,' she pleaded. 'As much as you can remember.'

  'Well… he was extremely bright and won a scholarship to the local grammar school and then to university. His aunt and uncle began to take more interest in him, but it didn't fool Adam. He knew it only stemmed from their belief that he might bring fame and fortune to the family.'

  'Did Adam tell you all this?' Julia questioned.

  'Not at the time,' Jack admitted, 'but many years later, when his aunt was seriously ill. He was very cut up about it, too. That's when he confided in me.'

  'It's strange he should have cared for her,' Julia said.

  'Adam's always been loyal to his family. Pride, I suppose,' Jack explained. 'He even continued to visit his grandfather—for whom he didn't have much love—right up until the old man died. His grandfather was extremely proud of him by then, though Adam always underplayed his own power and prestige when he visited him.'

  'It's hard to believe Adam had such a difficult childhood,' Betty commented. 'He's always so rational and cool.'

  'Only in the outside,' her husband said. 'Inside, he's a complex man with a great need for love and support.' He gave Julia a searching look. 'Don't tell him what I've told you, my dear. Leave him to confide in you in his own good time.'

  Julia nodded, knowing how wise the advice was, and wishing she had learned of Adam's past before she had married him. It was easy to see him as a lonely boy, deprived of affection and knowing he was living with a family that did not want him. It was not surprising he had taken Erica's rejection of him so badly; nor was it hard to guess why he still hankered after her. Getting her back would prove that everyone who rejected him ended up by Wanting him.

  'Adam's a changed man since he married you,' Jack said into the silence. 'When I asked him a while back to go with me to a business dinner, he said he preferred to spend the evening with you. I nearly fell off my seat with shock. Business always used to be his top priority.'

  'He looks different too,' Betty added. Jack isn't the only one to see it. He's less hard and edgy, and when he focusses on you his whole face softens.'

  Though Julia longed to be convinced, the memory of her last meeting with Adam made this impossible. More than ever she saw why Erica was important to him, and knew she could never tell him about the baby. Because of his own childhood and the loneliness he had experienced at not having a father, he would feel obligated to stay with her in order to give their child a family life—even if it were a false one. Envisaging all that this would mean, she knew it was far better for her to put as much distance as possible between them. She would leave London and live in the country, using his generous allowance to make a home for herself and her child. With luck, he need never know about the baby, and would probably think—when she took every penny he offered her—that she was as mercenary as Erica. It was a wry thought and Julia's lips curved upwards, which Betty Burglass was quick to notice, for she smiled approvingly, convinced her husband's explanation of Adam's past had eased Julia's mind.

  'Would you like to spend next weekend with us in the country?' Betty asked. 'Adam said something to Jack about buying a place, and there's a lovely house not far from us which you could see. It would be marvellous to have you as neighbours.'

  'I'm not too sure about next weekend,' Julia murmured. 'I'll talk to Adam and see when he's due back.'

  Julia found it a relief to return to Chester Street and drop the facade she had maintained all evening. Entering the hall, she relaxed immediately, overcome by a deep sense of homecoming. It was strange that now she was about to leave here, Adam's house should begin to feel like home.

  Yet this could never be the case. She must pack and be away from here by the time he returned to England. But where should she go? Staying with a girl friend was out of the question, for there would be too much explaining to do. Perhaps she should move into a hotel far from London until she found something permanent. At least then she would be out of sight and contact with Adam. Eventually he might discover she had had a baby, but she was certain he would think it was Roy's.

  Resentment against Adam flared briefly within her and then died. After all, it was unfair to blame him for what had happened. She had gone into this marriage with her eyes open, never believing she would end up falling in love with him, or that she would become pregnant. Adam had talked of having a family, and she had assumed that if and when they consummated their relationship, it would be a commitment on Adam's side as well as her own.

  Well, he had shown her plainly that his sexual relationship with her had not committed him whatever, and that he was willing to discard her the instant it suited him—though he had cleverly pretended he was setting her free because he knew it was what she wanted. Julia sighed heavily, remembering how many times she had begged Adam to do just that, though subconsciously she had hoped that when he agreed to let her go, he would realise she meant something to him. Tears flowed down her cheeks, but they brought only temporary relief, and she dried her eyes and vowed not to cry again. In the difficult months ahead she would need all the strength she could muster.

  Next morning she rang an estate agent in Mayfair who put her in touch with their subsidiary branch in Gloucester. A soft-spoken man—elderly, by his tone— assured her she should have no difficulty acquiring a two or three-bedroomed cottage with a small garden.

  'Naturally it will be in the region of forty thousand pounds,' he added. 'Is that all right for you?'

  'Yes,' said Julia, knowing Adam would foot the bill. 'But I want to move quickly, so please see what you can do.'

  On his promise that he would contact her within a few days, Julia ended the call and wandered over to the open window. It would be nice to live away from London, though she was not sure if she would like it in the winter. Nor did she know how she would keep herself occupied. She would be busy enough while the baby was small, but after that? She put her hands to her head. What a situation to be in: expecting a man's child and at the same time making plans to leave him.

  There was a sound behind her and Emilio came into the room. 'Will you be in for lunch, madam?' he asked.

  'I don't think so,' Julia replied, deciding not to stay home and brood. 'But I should be back around four.'

  For several hours she wandered around Knightsbridge and Hyde Park. But even here she could not escape painful thoughts as she saw happy mothers wheeling babies in prams or playing with toddlers on the grass. Yet perhaps some of these women also lived alone; after all, these days one-parent families were not unusual. At least she herself was lucky to have a rich man to support her.

  Impulsively she hailed a taxi and asked to be taken to Fortnums. Buying something new was supposed to be good therapy for an unhappy woman, and since she was soon going to be a wealthy divorcee, she might as well spend some of Adam's money right now.

  By the time she reached the store, her enthusiasm had waned, and she strolled aimlessly around the dress department, unwilling to buy anything. Suddenly she felt someone staring at her, and from the corner of her eye caught a glimpse of pale blo
nde hair. She stiffened and drew back behind a display of cashmere dresses, but it was too late to escape, for Erica was already bearing down on her.

  'So we meet in our local village shop,' the woman said lightly. 'You must enjoy coming here, now that you're able to afford it.'

  Julia felt no anger at the remark, only a sense of depression that Adam could love a woman of such mean spirit. She made to walk on, but to her dismay Erica kept pace with her.

  'I suppose you're feeling very pleased with yourself that your gamble's paid off?' Erica went on.

  At a loss to know what this meant, Julia did not answer.

  'Not that I give a damn,' the other girl continued disdainfully. 'I wouldn't have been happy with him anyway. He was always far too intense for me.'

  'Really?' Julia said offhandedly.

  'You'll get tired of him in the end too, unless you don't mind playing the role of Lady Perfect—if you know what I mean.'

  'I'm afraid I don't know what you mean,' Julia retorted, throwing discretion to the wind. 'Would you care to be more explicit?'

  An ugly flush stained Erica's face. 'You do want your pound of flesh, don't you? Still, as I said a moment ago, you're more than welcome to Adam. If I had to choose all over again, I'd still opt for Kenneth's money.'

  'You always did.'

  'Not always,' Erica snapped. 'And don't look so innocently at me. You know damn well I told Adam I'd be willing to forgo Kenneth's money and marry him as soon as he was free of you. But the damn fool said no—luckily for me. If he hadn't, I might have been lumbered with a decision made simply when I was feeling in the mood for sex.'

  Julia could not believe that Adam had turned Erica down. Yet the woman had no reason to lie; on the contrary, it was amazing she had made such an admission. Yet she had only done so because she believed Adam had already told Julia what had happened.

  As calmly as she could, Julia tried to assess Adam's behaviour. There were so many reasons for it that she forced herself not to think of any of them, determined that this she would ask him to tell her himself, and make no attempt to guess, for should she guess wrong, she would be opening the door on continuing anguish. The fact that Adam had come to his senses over Erica didn't mean he had fallen in love with his wife. If he had, he would never have suggested they dissolve their marriage.

  Unless he genuinely believed she wanted to marry Roy?

  Again there was only one way to find out: throw pride to the wind and ask him.

  Disregarding Erica, who was still walking abreast of her, Julia spun round in the direction of the lift. 'What's wrong?' Erica asked. 'Nothing. Everything may be very right.' 'I don't understand you.'

  'You never did,' said Julia, and sped away before Erica could say another word.

  Never had a taxi travelled as slowly as the one that took Julia back home. Arriving there, she went straight to Adam's bedroom, as if to bring him closer to her. But it only made her feel lonelier, and she wished she had the courage to fly to New York and speak to him. Yet fear held her back. If he loved her, why hadn't he said so? How could he have held her in his arms and kissed her without showing his true feelings? Yet she had done exactly the same, so why should she be surprised by Adam's behaviour?

  For the rest of the day she could think of nothing except Erica's dramatic revelation, and in bed that night she was both too excited and too fearful to sleep. Common sense still warned her not to set too much store by what she had learned, without first having it confirmed by Adam.

  It was all she could do not to telephone him in New York to find out when he was coming home, but as a compromise she called the office and spoke to Susan, managing to discover he was due back at the weekend. Never had days passed so slowly and, when Saturday came and went without his arriving, she was overwhelmed by disappointment.

  She slept badly on Saturday night and was up early next day. She mooned around unhappily and left her breakfast and lunch almost untouched. In the afternoon she changed into her prettiest dress. Her eyes were large and luminous and the colour came and went in her face. She was brushing her hair when she heard a car door slam. Running to the window, she peered down into the street and saw Adam's dark head. Now that the long-awaited moment had come, she was petrified to leave the safety of her room, and for several moments remained motionless, her mind in a whirl.

  There was a tap on her door, and shakily she called, 'Come in.'

  Adam did so. He seemed taller and darker than she remembered, but that was because he was thinner, and had deep shadows beneath his eyes.

  'I didn't think I'd still find you here,' he said jerkily.

  'Was I supposed to leave immediately?'

  'I assumed you'd prefer it.'

  'We're not parting as enemies,' she returned. 'That's what you yourself said.'

  'I know.' He clenched his jaw as though trying to control the muscles of his face. 'When will you be going?'

  'I'm not sure. That depends on you.'

  'What do you mean?'

  Julia's legs suddenly went weak, and she sat down on the dressing table stool.

  'I'm willing to stay with you, Adam,' she said, looking at the wall behind him. 'That is, if you want me.'

  There was a long silence and Julia could not bear to look at him, afraid of seeing rejection on his face.

  'Why this sudden change of heart?' he asked slowly.

  'It isn't a change of heart. You're the one who expected me to go, remember?'

  'What makes you think I've changed my mind? The situation between us is still the same. You don't need to sacrifice yourself on my account, Julia.'

  'I don't see it as a sacrifice.'

  'Well, I do. And it isn't necessary. I don't need your presence here to bolster my pride.' He moved a step towards her and then stopped. 'If you want the truth, you might as well know that I no longer care what other people think of me. The few friends I have will accept me as I am—warts and all—and if my enemies laugh at me, then let them. It's what I feel that matters.'

  Julia studied Adam's face for some sign that he meant what he said. But he was still too much in control of himself to give anything away, and though his words depicted a great change of attitude, he looked as aloof and controlled as ever.

  'Have you really changed?' she asked slowly.

  He half turned away from her. 'Once you start loving someone else more than you love yourself, you find that…' He let his voice trail off.

  'You find what?' Julia whispered.

  He remained silent, and it was a moment before he replied. 'You find you want that other person's happiness more than your own. Suddenly your own ambitions become less important and your friends' opinions have no importance at all.'

  'You've come a long way in a very short time,' Julia said, then taking a deep breath, added: 'You must love Erica very deeply to have changed so much.'

  'Erica!' It was a strangled sound, and Adam spun round. 'Erica's the last person I—' He stopped, as though trying to control himself. 'I don't love Erica,' he stated. 'It's you I'm talking about. You I love. Your happiness means more to me than my own. That's why I want you to be free. When I saw you with Roy the other day, I knew I couldn't tie you to me any longer. I've done everything possible to make you love me, but I've failed.' 'You haven't,' she denied.

  'Don't bother sparing my feelings, Julia. You have every right to hate me. I forced myself on you night after night, but never once did you respond to me. All I felt was your disgust—your hate.'

  'Not hate,' she cried. 'Only anger and hurt that you should want to claim your rights when you didn't care about me.'

  'Is that what you thought? Didn't you feel anything when I held you in my arms? Damn it! I told you, but you refused to believe me. Had you no idea how much I did care?' With a gesture of despair he flung out his hands. 'I thought that if I made love to you—if you were physically mine—you'd stop thinking of Roy. But you said nothing… gave nothing away.' 'We both put on an act,' she said. Adam stared at her, then as her w
ords sank in, colour suffused his face. 'Both?' he echoed. 'What are you trying to tell me?'

  'That I love you. That from the moment Roy came back from Canada and I saw him again, I knew it was you I wanted. But I thought you still loved Erica, so I wasn't going to admit the way I felt.'

  'Is that why you agreed to leave me?' Adam crossed the carpet and stopped within a foot of her. 'Why were you so quick to say you'd go?'

  'Yes. I thought you wanted to be free. You actually said so.'

  'I was lying. I didn't want you to have any guilt about leaving me.'

  Julia gave a sudden laugh, husky and bordering on tears. 'What a couple of fools we've been!'

  'Not fools,' he said, pulling her into his arms. 'Just two people who'd been hurt and were scared of being hurt again.'

  Bodies close, they rested against each other. Julia felt Adam tremble and knew her nearness was arousing him.

  She undid his jacket and put her hands on his chest, feeling the warmth of his body through the fine silk of his shirt.

  'I saw Erica today,' she murmured. 'She told me you'd turned her down and—'

  'So that's why you started wondering who I was in love with?'

  Julia nodded. 'I hoped it was me, but I was afraid to let myself believe it.' Her fingers undid the buttons on his shirt and then caressed his skin. 'Why did you stop coming to me—stop making love to me?' she whispered.

  'Because I'd reached the point where I couldn't bear making love to a woman who didn't want me. I stayed away because I loved you too much—not too little.' He tilted her face and rained little kisses across her brow and down her cheeks to her mouth. 'Give me a week to settle a couple of important cases, and then we'll go away for a real honeymoon. We'll begin our marriage again and pretend the past few months never happened.'

  'We won't be able to pretend for long,' Julia murmured, laughter trembling in her voice.